My Wife Thought I Was Just Excited. I Thought I Was Being Relatable. We Were Both Wrong.
How my ADHD diagnosis at 40 revealed I'd been sabotaging connection for decades
For twenty years, my wife tolerated my "enthusiasm."
She'd be telling me about her rough day, and I'd jump in with "Oh that reminds me of when..." before she even finished. She'd share something vulnerable, and I'd interrupt with my own similar story, thinking I was connecting.
She chalked it up to excitement. I thought I was being relatable.
Then I got diagnosed with ADHD at 43, and the truth hit me like a brick: I'd been cutting off the person I love most for two decades, all while thinking I was being a good listener.
The shame spiral was real. How many moments of connection had I destroyed? How many times had she needed to be heard, really heard, and I'd made it about me?
Here's what was actually happening in my brain: When she shared something, my ADHD brain immediately pattern-matched to my own experience. That connection felt like empathy to me. But that "relatable" story forming in my head? It had about 3 seconds before it would vanish completely. So I'd blurt it out, thinking I was saying "I understand you" when really I was saying "let me tell you about me."
The diagnosis didn't excuse twenty years of interrupting. But it did explain why my brain worked this way, and more importantly, gave us a roadmap to fix it.
What Actually Works Now (After Lots of Apologizing and Practice):
For me (the reformed interrupter):
I literally say out loud: "My brain is connecting this to something - let me write it down so I can focus on you"
I've learned the difference between "I want to share something similar" and "I need to understand what you're feeling"
The magic phrase: "Is this a 'just listen' conversation or a 'share experiences' conversation?"
When I catch myself interrupting: "I'm sorry, I just did the thing. Please continue - what were you saying about [specific detail]?"
For my wife (the saint who stayed):
She'll sometimes say: "I see you making connections - save them for after"
She's learned to be direct: "I need you to just listen right now"
She recognizes my fidgeting/note-taking as me trying to stay present, not being distracted
She calls me out with love: "You're doing it again, but I know you're trying"
The real breakthrough: I had to accept that my intent ("I'm being relatable!") didn't matter if the impact was her feeling unheard. And she had to accept that my brain literally works differently - not as an excuse, but as a starting point for change.
In relationships, ADHD explanations without behavior change just sound like excuses. But behavior change without understanding the ADHD component? That's just white-knuckling it until you fail again.
My wife didn't need me to be neurotypical. She needed me to be aware, accountable, and actively working on it. The diagnosis gave me the awareness. The work? That's on me, every single day.
For the partners reading this: That person interrupting you might genuinely think they're showing love. It doesn't make it okay, but understanding the disconnect can help you both fix it.
For my ADHD folks: That shame you're feeling about past relationship patterns? Use it as fuel to do better, not as a reason to hate yourself. Your partner chose you, interruptions and all. Now honor that choice by working on it.
What patterns did you discover about yourself post-diagnosis that made you rethink your whole relationship history? And partners - what do you wish we understood about how our "connection attempts" actually land?